The World according to Rich - Wrestling

Since the early 2000's, wrestling has sucked monkey nuts, and it's easy to see why. There's no competition.

Now, for my readers who are starting to roll their eyes, thinking they cant relate, bear with me, seriously. The 80's and 90's gave us people like Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Sting, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock - people you'd tune in to see, whether they talked or wrestled, it didnt matter. Can you say anyone nowadays is the same? I doubt it.

I remember in the past, every Tuesday morning in the school playground, all anyone could talk
about was the WCW Nitro or the WWF Raw on Monday Night. Nowadays, we prefer to forget what WWE calls a "show" Eurgh. And I can probably explain why.

WWF buying out WCW was pretty much what killed wrestling. It's like Microsoft buying Apple. With no competition, people get complacent. Vince McMahon thinks people will lap up whatever bullshit he serves up, because there's nothing else. A product which, because I'm an idiot, keep giving a chance. It keeps fucking me in the ass without lube though. So bugger it.

TNA has recently signed Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff, and a whole bunch of ex-WWE wrestlers - in the hope that it can compete with WWE on Monday Nights. It can't. It just doesnt have the money.

It pisses me off that every time I watch a wrestling livestream online, I get people spamming the chat with "TNA RULES" or "WWE RULES" - neither do. WWE has more money, and the only selling point for TNA is that they "aren't WWE". Try again Dixie. it'll take more than that to make me interested in it again.

Signing Hogan and Bischoff arguably means that you are straddled with the biggest egos in the sport, so I dont give TNA much time. Both of those guys want another WCW (which, for non wrestling fans was WWF's big competitor for a while), yet, because like I said, their selling point is that they're "Not WWE". Fine, but you're gonna have to pull your finger out more to get me interested in the events you run.

I noticed since Hogan started, a whole lot of "old faces" (emphasis on OLD) have been making an appearance. Scott Hall (Razor Ramon), Sean Waltman (X-Pac (who people still dont care about)) and Hogan himself (who is about 600 years old), and even Jeff Hardy, who should, by all rights, be in jail by now, stupid druggie piece of shit.

Anyway. TNA used to have a 6 sided ring (which I liked because it was a bit different) - yet this has been scrapped at the behest of that handlebar moustached has-been Hogan. This is really starting to get suspiciously like WCW was. Just you wait until Robocop comes back for an angle, like he did before. And what has WWE have to counter? A guy who does 5 moves, and a midget who think he's Irish. Fuck sake.



I'm almost ashamed to call myself a wrestling fan. I'm going to continue this later. Eurgh. I'm just...eurgh

The World according to Rich - Christmas

Ahhh, one of the best celebrations of the birth of a fictional character. Why is there no Spockmas? And no Spidermas? I'll tell you why, no-one really cares about what Christmas means, its just a great excuse to get hopelessly drunk, eat too much, and embarass yourself on Dance Dance Revolution.

Besides, if you go to church at Christmas, you end up sitting on a horribly uncomfortable bench for 3 hours learning about the birth of Jesus, which, because I am so fantastic to you all, I'll summarise:

Some virgin woman who essentially got raeped by God, was homeless for a bit, and then spat out a baby in a bunch of hay. There were other dudes there who followed a star or someshit, brought gifts of Jewgolds, Frankenstein and Mirror, shouted a bit, and then everyone went home.

Oh, and there were donkeys.

Now come on, who the fuck gives a baby spices and shit? Its like they totally forgot, and had to rush and get some cheap wank from the local Texaco in Nazareth. Its a bit..flimsy to be honest. However, sleeping in a barn was a good choice by Joseph, since I cant imagine the Premier Inns in the year 0 would be much better than they are nowadays.

Another annoying thing about this time of the year is shopping. Never before (other than when filling the car with petrol) have I seen my bank account witter to nothing faster than when Christmas shopping. And the lot of it as a load of wank anyway. Have you ever been to one of those shops called "Bedazzle" or "Spiritualissimo" - I should open one called "Shop O'Crap". £450,000,000 for a glass orb that's supposed to act as an aphrodisiac or someshit, feng shui beads, roast camels testicle, basically, if Koreans eat it, the shops sell it.

Why is it whenever you walk into one, it smells like a rotting corpse? Incense? Nonsense morelike. The shopkeepers arent much better, most look like a rotting corpse. With dreadlocks. The mid-90's is that way, pal.

Now, alot of you are probably thinking "What a miserable bastard" - well, if you're a newcomer, yes, I am a bit of one. If you've been following my blog, then HERPDERPDETECTIVE. I just dont like how Christmas has become so commercialised, the idea that you have to spend a shitload of money to have a happy one. You don't. All you need is friends or family, some booze, some nice food, and some games to play. Everything else, in my opinion, is a bonus.

Oh, and what's up with all the furniture sales on Boxing Day? It's advertised that you can buy a sofa set worth £3000 for £1600! ..Well why the fuck was it £3000 in the first place?! If the company can afford to hold that sale, why grossly inflate the price to begin with? Assholes. Any excuse to make a cheap buck from muggins. On the topic of television, it's almost universally crap. Repeats of shows that were made 30 years ago (admittedly, some of them are good to see again, but where are the original new shows?), and repeats of movies that everyone in the history of the galaxy has seen three hundred thousand times. Oh, and the Queen's speech. Oh-ho. Ready for this one?
Who actually watches this? Apart from people over 60. What's the point? Its just an hour of the Queen being oblivious to how shit everything is here. I'd bet that Gordon Brown will make an appearance at some point and grin like a one-eyed smug twat who has us all over a barrel. Now, I understand a portion of the population of the UK watch it religiously to be affirmed that the Queen hasn't forgotten about us, but what exactly has she done to help? Nothing. Statistics show that the UK is the most depressed country in Europe, and 8 in 10 people said 2009 was the shittest year they've had. Bollocks to this tripe. If she wants me to listen to her, then televise her shoving her Queenboot so far up the governments arse their crooked expenses claims shoot out of their nose. You can't tell me that seeing the Queen give Peter Mandelson a Shawn Michaels style superkick wouldn't be awesome.

Right, now I've got most of that off of my chest, I'm going to have a glass of sherry and throw ice at small children.

Merry Benicemas!

The World according to Rich - Television

My god it's bad nowadays, isn't it. I mean REALLY bad. It's saturated with pointless documentaries, reality shows that are about as realistic as me becoming president of the world, and soap operas.

What the hell is up with them? What possible entertainment is to be had by watching a group of Londoners arguing for a bit, then leaving in a taxi. More drama happens behind the scenes of those shows than on the screen. It seems the show creators can turn on a sixpence too - if they kill off a character and it causes massive outrage from single mothers and people over 70, then ooh! He/she wasnt *really* dead, one of the following happened:

1) Its a long lost twin that died!
2) They escaped the burning overturned car with nothing but some duct tape and a pencil!
3) ETZA CLOHNE!!

Give me a break. If I was in charge, I'd add random gunfights, explosions, Citroens doing corkscrew jumps, and copious amounts of female volleyball. THEN it'd be entertainment.

Also, where do scientists find the time to make documentaries on shit nobody cares about? Or, where do they get the funding to 'prove' that dolphins have accents? Or, that cows fart in C minor? Who the fuck cares? Its like in school, getting picked for the basketball team. The scientists who get picked last get the crappy experiments to do, like finding out how long it takes for a Jaffa Cake to decompose.

How about spending your time doing something worthwhile? Renewable energy, cancer cures, improving the lives of the handicapped.. not these ridiculous primary school projects that cost millions and contribute NOTHING to the lives of normal people.

It's the same with reality shows. Big Brother is the worst damn offender in this shitheap. Let me break it down for you in two parts. Part A summarises what it was meant to be, and Part B summarises what is actually produced.

A) Big Brother seals a group of diverse people in a house together for a set amount of time, to study their relationships, conflicts, and see their reactions to bizaare challenges that require teamwork.

B) A black man, a homosexual, a whore, a dumbass, a guido and a goth are put in a house, where they eat, shit, sleep, then leave.

Er, loses something in the translation, doesn't it. I love particularly how the participants treat Big Brother. They cater for the show's every whim without question, cry for a bit, fumble around with each other under the duvet, and cry a bit more. Why dont they say "Go fuck yourself" when they're asked to dance around in spandex doing the Riverdance. THAT would be interesting television. I would watch it just to see what the producers of the show would do. But no, instead, it starts every year, goes on for three millenia, and whoever wins gets to sell their story to the Sun and bring out a range of fragrances called "Devils Buttplug" or someshit. Puh-lease. Hey, I can think of far better uses for that house, too. HM Customs Detention Center, anyone?

I do admit, there are some good reasons for paying the TV License fee, or buying a Sky box (Cable for you yanks). Top Gear, Have I Got News For You, Doctor Who, etc. One that you may not know about, or for that matter expect me to enjoy, is Al Jazeera, and assorted religious and middle/far eastern channels.

If you've had a little to drink, seriously, flick through them. It's like swallowing an ecstasy pill laced with pixie dust. I managed to summarise most of the Indian channels thus:

________

Zooming Camera x (Angry Indian Man + Concerned Looking Indian Woman) = Indian TV

________

Its just all completely batshit insane. And it's all accompanied by frantic sitar music, and what I swear is the sound of a cat being fed through a mangle. Instant lols.



Al-Jazeera and the Middle Eastern channels are pretty much the same, and you can't understand either the writing on the screen or what they're saying, so they're clearly talking about infidel Westerners and terrorism. No, that's unfair. Probably the latest burkha fashion aswell.


Hang on, back in a second, I think the Muhajideen are knocking on my door after that last section. I'll finish it when I get ba-

The World according to Rich - Babies

Cue the female lynch party. Balls to you. Literally. Infact, I titled this wrong, this should be about dumbass parents. Well, no, I'll just cover both in one. You should feel priveledged. Before you start, yes, I reckon I'd be a quite good dad someday, but until that day comes, keep your goddamned noisy, puke covered, crying, stupidly dressed abomination away from me. I don't want to have to deal with that shit until I have to, thank you.

No, it doesnt look beautiful, it doesnt look like Jesus reborn, it's a baby. Its the genetic mix of you and your partner. And its at least 18 years of responsibility. It might seem awesome for a few months, but when you have a few sleepless nights because baby just shat itself, come back and tell me I'm right.

Don't get me wrong; I love the idea of having kids someday, I just wish I could bypass the being-covered-in-custard bit and get straight to the shooting of their first boy/girlfriend. I cant wait to be waiting in the hedge, timing how long it takes my daughter to say goodnight. Longer than 2 minutes, then he gets a machete to the mouth. If a girl breaks my boys heart, then I'll boil her eyes in transmission fluid. But, does this mean I should have to suffer all the other kids? No. Of course not. If people can't control their kids properly, why should everyone else have to suffer the consequences?

Take resteraunts for example. If you try to tell me you have ever been to a resteraunt that "welcomes" children and not been pissed off when the little fuckers are doing laps of the bar or pretending to be Hulk Hogan, then I'm sorry but I don't believe you. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself with that going on? You just can't. You're overwhelmed with a desire to shove them in the deep fat frier and chow down on fried-child.

It's not just resteraunts where children get on my proverbial tits. Museums. I have never understood why parents think it a good idea to drag 4 year old Jack through an exhibition about coal mining in Zambia. He's not arsed, and neither are you. Just go away. I want to touch lumps of coal inappropriately in peace. The reason children are always rowdy in these places is that not enough emphasis is placed on museums, libraries and historical sites. If people would talk to their kids, tell them just what the places mean, then maybe they'd shut their goddamned ice-cream covered mouths and read.

Too many times I've seen women with more children than they can control, smoking like a Welsh power station, and with the intellectual ability of a cowpat. I could honestly punch someone like that. Repeatedly. Probably adding a few hits with whatever blunt object was at hand. IT'S YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT. WHY SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING KIDS. EH!? It's not our fault your legs are a revolving door for pregnancy and syphillis.

To get back to the point, if your child can't stop running around screaming, it's not their fault, it's yours. It's ruining everyone elses time, and making everyone uncomfortable because everyone wants to shove that child back up whence it came. I beg you, stop having children. I don't want to pay for them. I don't want to have them vomiting in my burger or sandwich, and I don't want them thinking it's funny to throw things at the tall guy who is about to murder them.

The World according to Rich - Holidays Abroad

I know you're expecting me to rant about how insufferable foreign people are when they're visiting Britain and how British people are the international ambassadors for civility.

Sorry, but no. Let me start by outlining the fact that I aknowledge that the vast majority of British tourists are constantly drunk, and throwing furniture at Germans. If not that, our women are orange and are wearing less fabric than an aspirin bottle, and the men wear speedos constructed with fishing wire.

But that doesnt give other countries a get-out-of-jail-free card. No. Each country has their flaws, just as we do. Russians for example, are as white as a BNP supporter and look at you with a ravenous desire to put radioactive things in your scrambled egg. Don't be fooled. He's imagining you in the back of his Lada with no head.

The Dutch are bloody everywhere - even Wales. Now, of all the destinations to choose on your tour of the UK, why pick Ystalyfera and Ystradgynlais? Not exactly casino capital of the world. Sure, there are the Brecon Beacons, but you can get to those from other places. Stop clogging up my roads with your Opel people carriers.

The French complain about the fact they cant buy toasted snails in Greggs, and when you're in France, look at you like you just kicked their dad in the plums because you aren't fluent in French. The Germans have the humour of a poached oyster, and eat sausage for breakfast, when they aren't busy plotting.

If you ever go to visit Spain expecting to see matadors asking for a bulls horn through their nads, you're rigged for disappointment - the place is choc-a-bloc full of people from Liverpool vomiting over a fruit stand and falling over. Italy is no better; its full of people on scooters going at incredibly high speed to absolutely nowhere - hell, even Venice hasnt thought to call a plumber.

The Americans, oh man. Perfectly polite people, and would give you about £20,000 just for being British, but they always talk to each other like one is still in the United States and can only just hear them it's like they have Caps Lock on for their vocal chords. And they always seem so disappointed that we don't still go around in horse and carriage whilst wearing top hats and a monacle.

There's no point going to the Middle East either, you'll either be shot or toasted whilst a man called Abdul steals your wallet. I can go to Egypt with some builders sand and by turning the central heating up.

In short, why spend your child's kidney flying over to god knows where to get food poisoning, when you can just go to your local kebab shop for £3?

The World according to Rich - The Jobcentre

Eurgh. I'm almost too pissed off to write this entry. Goddamnit. The Jobcentre. The biggest oxymoron in Britain.

I've been using it to try to find work for months; working my ass off applying to dozens of jobs, none of which even have the common courtesy to call back and say I didnt get the job. What kind of help do I get from the Jobcentre, I hear you ask? Help with your CV? Cover letters?

None of the above. They do as little as possible, and treat you as if you've just punched their sainted mother in the face. The picture above isnt even an exaggeration. They really are that fucking huge. I have half a mind to go in next time and begin the conversation with "Oochie-chowabee, Solooo"


They're grotesquely obese, grotesquely stupid, grotesquely rude, and grotesquely incompetent. I would honestly rather eat the asshole of Piers Morgan than have to deal with them.

You walk in, are sat waiting for about 20 minutes whilst they have a gossip and play solitaire; then finally when you are seen, they talk to you like you're a 5 year old who just grazed their knee.

Me: "I'm really having trouble getting to the interview stage"
Them: "Its disheartening isnt it :/"

WELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING USELESS WELSH ZEPPELIN?! GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.

I had to miss an appointment for personal reasons one Friday, so I went in on Tuesday and filled out the appropriate form, fine. At no point did they say I would have to turn up 3 days later - does that make sense to you? No, me neither. So, instead of calling me on Thursday, just to say "Just reminding you that you need to come in tomorrow aswell" - you know, as a normal person would in a potentially confusing situation, I got fuck all until *I* rang *THEM* - after which I was told to forward my reasons to the

DECISION MAKER OMG!!

Who, whilst the name sounds cool, is just some fat bloke who has to stop as much money being paid as possible. Of course, the only reasonable explanations for absence include being turned inside out, losing both arms, or having no head.

Now, I wont lie to you, yeah, I'm being paid benefits; but unlike so many people my age, I still live with my folks, have no fucking children, and only claim what I need to run my car, which is essential to me looking for work. Yet, I'm treated by these human airships like I'm dogshit on the bottom of their shoe.

I get about £50 a week - now, to put that in perspective, my car insurance costs £180 a month, which is about £50 a week. That's not including petrol, servicing, road tax, and spending £68 to have a chip in the windscreen fixed.

In short, my question is this, if the government is so intent on getting people into work, why the FUCK aren't jobseekers provided with more tools with which to do so? At the moment, all I've been offered is printouts of information I can find online - which coincidentally is "Not their problem" if it's lost after a few weeks. The very least they could do it stop waddling over to each others desks and talking about bullshit whilst everyone else sits and waits for a few decades.

I think I just solved the mystery of why I didnt get that phonecall!

The telephone was probably an appetiser for their main course of a small Toyota.

The World according to Rich - Being Tall

Well, its annoying more times than it's cool, let's be honest. Being tall isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Now, I know those who are at less than average height are going "Pshaw, better than being short", well, no, it isn't. Trust me. It's a hell of alot easier to compensate for a shorter person than it is to compensate for a taller one.

Let's look at the evidence...





CLOTHING:

Is a pain in the ass to find. No two ways about it. When you do finally find the right leg length, the clothes are so ugly you wouldn't dress a giraffe in them. Same with shirts and jackets. Try finding a suit that fits. You'll be hard pressed to find one off the peg, which means you'll have to pay through the ass to have one tailor made. Shoes are exactly the same. You're paying more to cater for something you have absolutely no control over. I can understand if you're so grotesquely fat you have to wear a tarp, but come on, you cant help how tall you are, and I cant exactly take a chunk out of my foot to squeeze into a size 10 or 11 (I'm a 15) can I. Therefore, I'm expected to pay upwards of £60 for a pair of simple shoes, whereas others can get them for about £25-30. Sound fair to you? Fuckers.





CARS -

As I had already alluded to in a previous rant, finding affordable transport when you're north of 6' 3" is a task and a half. Fitting in the car is one thing, but actually having a car you can use for anything other than driving by yourself is difficult. I can fit a max of two when I'm driving (unless someone has no legs, then it's all good, let me know and I'll hack em off for you) and I can only just afford to insure the car I've got now. If you're young and tall, you're fucked automotively, frankly.


THEME PARKS -

Probably one of the most annoying factors. Very rarely have I met a rollercoaster in the UK that has enough legroom for someone who actually possesses legs. Its depressing, because I always feel like I'm missing out. I want to vomit on the 6 year old girls in the car behind just as much as the next man, but cant because whoever makes the rides cant add an extra 5 inches to the front of the seats. I actually almost got my head taken off in America riding one. There was a low wooden sign, and if my girlfriend of the time hadnt grabbed my head, I'd probably be typing this from the morgue in North Carolina. Erk.


PEOPLE -

Yeah. People. Thats the biggest annoyance I have when it comes to this issue. I know I'm tall. I dont need to be reminded every five seconds by you, or anyone else. If there was a PhD in Stating the Fucking Obvious with a Bachelor's in Dumbassery, then the people who stand gawping and saying "Wow, he's tall" would graduate with honours. I also hate it when people come up to me and ask me if I play any generic sport where large people are employed. "Do you play basketball? Do you play rugby? Why not?" - its a bit like asking a midget "Do you get shot out of a cannon? Are you involved in a theatrical version of Snow White?" it's offensive. And I dont play either because they just dont interest me. Sure, I'd probably be okay at basketball, but I'm not going to run and sign up just because I'm 6' 7". But it seems people think that's the only thing I *can* do because of that. Piss off. I'll go play bikini volleyball if I want to.

It really pisses me off too when people whisper to each other and stare at me, instead of striking up a conversation. If you approached me and said "Excuse me, how tall are you?" Fine, I'd smile and tell you, then have a nice chat. But instead, people just whisper and giggle, and make me feel rather uncomfortable.

People who know me well know I'm an incredibly gentle giant. (Hard to believe reading some of these rants, I know, but it's true) That said, it confused me during my school days that people seemed to think it a good idea to single out the biggest guy with the biggest fists to pick on. If I wasn't me, I probably could've seriously hurt someone. I think I've only ever punched someone two or three times in my whole life, and that was when they pushed a little bit too far. Jibes against me I can take, but my friends and family, no. I remember once I was freezing cold after walking to school in the snow, only to be told it was closed; and some fucknut decided to smash a snowball in the side of my face. I turned around, calmly grabbed him by the collar and lamped him so hard he couldnt stand up for a few minutes; then walked home. Funnily enough, the abuse stopped after that.

In conclusion, being tall isnt all it's cracked up to be. Sure there are people bigger than me, but I'm not living their lives. I'm stuck with mine, and frankly, it'd be alot easier if people could just get to know me before thinking I'll eat their child and house.


(Wow, that was quite a timid post, wasn't it.)






Much better.

The World according to Rich - Global Warming

First of all, thanks to iFlashie for the superb new blog banner above. Teh roxx0rz :D




Good old Global Warming, eh? I would rather eat a hobo's sock than listen to any more hoodoo about it.

The way I understand it, the earth is warming up, and the ice caps are melting, raising sea levels. (Even though that wouldnt really affect me, being up on a mountain. LOL sucks for you Holland!)
Apparantley, its all our fault, too. Because our cars are too big, our cows fart too much, and we dont recycle the corn in our shit.

Funny thing is, the vast majority of people havent stopped to think that it *might* all be a load of complete shite. Think about it logically! If the earth was heating up so much that it was threatening several countries, do you honestly think recycling our milk bottles is going to stop it? Is it shite. Eco-Mentalists live in a fantasy world, where they think Mother Nature has invited them around to discuss global warming over a plate of eco-muffins.

Urgh.

Please stop telling me how to live my life. Please. If I'm going to drown in dead polar bears, the fact that I drive to the supermarket has nothing to do with it. Infact, I live in fucking Wales. Bring Global Warming ON. Might get a summer worth spit. I'm sick of being told that I need to be green. Go fuck yourself. If I want to leave my car idling for 5 minutes, I'll leave it so. You have a problem with it, I'll rape your face. Stop meddling in my GOD DAMNED life.

Same goes for this supposed "Green Tax" - I know its stereotypical of me to say, but why should Britain have to be the "forefront for international climate awareness"? (which is just a gay way of saying "Nature's Gimp") what the shit is anyone else doing? China churns out more pollution that a Labour Party conference. Would they do anything about it? Aye, about as likely as the Pope shagging a Leprechaun.

Everyone seems to say they like the environment, that they'd do anything to protect it, but I see right through them. Next time you see one, ask them "Which would you rather, a Toyota Prius, or a Rolls Royce Ghost?" If they say the Prius, they're lying. Humans are bred to live in excess. It makes us feel good, and screw everything else. I'd more than likely shoot a penguin for a Rolls Royce, so why deny it? It has a fridge and everything!

And a DVD player.

And a holder for champagne and glasses.

And air suspension.

Infact, if you rode in a Rolls Royce Ghost, you'd probably feel like a wisp of wind on a leaf. And guess what? It has a V12 engine, which murders your precious environment. Yet, you feel like you're one with it.

The best thing is, its the biggest symbol of excess nowadays. Its a big "Fuck you" to Global Warming, the Recession, Stigma and always being the one following everyone else.

The World according to Rich - Road Works

Roadworks. A necessity? Yes, probably. A pain in the ass? Most definitely. I have scarcely cast my cynical eye upon a thing more infuriating that a row of two hundred million road cones and signs diverting you to Hades and back.

Lets start with the obvious, shall we? I think we all can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we've driven past a set of roadworks, and observed even 50% of the workforce (if the workforce was even present) actually doing something. Most of the time they're sat chatting to each other, stood with their hands on their hips admiring the butchery they had comitted to the road surface, or scooting around in shitty LDV vans with blinking orange lights, pretending they're policemen or someshit.

It is for this precise reason that jobs that SHOULD take 1 or 2 weeks, end up taking up 16. How the hell long does it take to dig a hole, put a pipe in it, and fill it back in? You'd have more efficiency if you had asked a chimp to do it.

Case in point, APEC are doing some works on the main road through Ystalyfera, where I live. They've dug up much of the off-street parking, and installed traffic lights. 'Okay' I thought, probably just laying some pipes. But no. I leave for a week, and come back to find that not only havent they finished the section they had already dug up, someone had pulled a brainwave out of their ass that it'd be a good idea to dig further up the road too! God FORBID people might actually be inconvenienced; lets just dig more of the road up, install traffic lights that change so slowly I drive past them about 25 years older than when I stopped, and just piss off home at half past 2 every day. And to think these people love nothing more than to strike for more pay.


For that matter, why is it, when there are roadworks for a specific area, it's always coned off one or two miles in each direction? What's the point?! Surely having all lanes of traffic open would ease congestion, rather than have cones to tell you that there are cones to tell you there are cones to tell you there are cones to tell you there are men doing nothing. It boggles the mind, readers.

You'll often see these people worki- well, standing around, on Saturdays too. That's not because they want to see the project finished, it's because they get double their hourly wage. So its not really in their interest to see the stuff finished anyway, is it?

So, do everyone a favour when you next drive past some fatass lazy cock in a high-visibility jacket; honk. Honk alot, make them clench tighter than a crash test dummy at Euro NCAP. Infact, bugger it, just veer into the cones and run them over. I hear blood makes tarmac stick rather well.

The World According to Rich - Packaging

Goddamnit, why are things you buy so hard to get at? You buy a DVD or game, and it's packed tighter than a camel's arsehole in a sandstorm. WHY?! If its to stop people opening the case, then just have an empty display one on the shelf. Dont waste a good 5 minutes of my time (and a fair few gnaws) just to get at it.

The worst offenders for this kind of useless bullshit is when you buy anything that isnt a potato from the supermarket. I bought a new razor today, and sure enough, it had one of those packets with absolutely no way of getting in. Not one to be easily deterred, I ate most of the packaging to get to my moisturising bounty - but, when I finally got enough leverage to open the packet, it opened with such force that one of the blade refills hit a stray stuffed cat with such ferocity that it cast most of my bookshelf onto my head.

I didnt take that very well, it must be said.

You'd think that in these economically tight times, you'd expect to find things a bit easier to get at, considering you paid an extra £10,000 for a pack of AA batteries. But no, you waste more time trying to unpack the fucking things that you'd be better off getting a hamster and a wheel attached to a dynamo to power your X-Box controller.

The same can be said for car accessories. I went on a bit of a binge recently and bought some essentials to keep in the boot (i.e. a first aid kit, tow rope, jumper cables) - and found a rather nifty looking toolkit that had pretty much all the critical things in it. Screwdrivers, ratchet, torch, all that jazz. I paid about £15 for it, which isnt as cheap as I had hoped, but I justified it by thinking of how I can effortlessly unscrew a troublesome attachment, or use the ratchet to take the wheels off of someone's bicycle (it's your own fault for wearing lycra you giant plank).

Imagine my dismay then, when I opened the box to find that every tool had its own individual bit of plastic wrapping. I swore so much that Noel and Liam Gallagher would have blushed. Why is it even necessary? Hygiene? How many people do YOU know who'll open a toolbox and go "HURR I'MMA LICK THIS SOCKET WRENCH HAHADERP"? Morons.

You also see this shit when you buy sweets nowadays. One cant enjoy the fruity delight of a Fruit Pastille, because some twat has forgotten to make the packet open without all of the contents exploding in a million different directions. Take a page out of the book of the Revel, and make them re-sealable at least. I dont want to have to seperate a sweet from pocket lint when I'm on the go.

On a side note, dont you hate it when you have a DVD or a game, and pressing down on the centre of the case doesnt make the disk pop up? Instead, you bend it more than a gymnasts fanny and risk snapping the thing before you've even had the chance to enjoy the second series of Miami Vice. I despair, readers.

When I come to power, all this shit will be banned; and anyone found vacuum packaging their products will be shot in the face and shoved up a monkey's asshole.

The World according to Rich - Twilight

Before I vomit, I'd like to dedicate this blogpost to Froggy, who motivated me to put our thoughts down on this page.

Well, why dont we get the obvious out of the way first, huh? I dont like Twilight. Froggy doesnt like Twilight. Anyone with a vague fibre on the rope of sanity doesnt like Twilight. So, why is it so popular?

Well, lets see. Its about vampires. Okay, fine. Vampires are cool. But, sparkling ones? ..What? Forgive me, I may be demonstrating ignorance here, but, arent vampires, historically speaking, supposed to suffer Final Death when exposed to sunlight? No, evidently not, otherwise it'd be awkward to tie in some shitty romance story. Its like Meyer took American Pie and put vampires in it.

Now, as the Frogster said to me, every book has fans, no matter how poorly it may have been written. I picked up the first in the Twilight series and attempted to read the first chapter. I almost vomited. People online could write better than that shit. But more to the point, Twilight fans are a bit like velociraptors of literature. They're about as abrasive as rubbing ones gentleman's area with coarse sandpaper.

The women are the worst. You cant go anywhere on the internet nowadays without some stupid bitch screaming "I WANT A BOYFRIEND LIKE EDWARD!!1!111!!1" - newsflash ladies, he doesnt exist. Neither do vampires. And if you did meet a guy who's pretty much as abusive as he is, then, joke's on you. Enjoy your black eye.

Now, I dont claim to be an expert by any means on vampire mythology, but, I'm not exactly ignorant to it either. I've read the original Dracula, listened to Christopher Lee reading it, read Anne Rice, hell, I've read Goosebumps and watched Van Helsing. All of which at least shared the essential traits of the vampire; sunlight, stakes, garlic, crucifix, bites. But, Twilight just..does away with these. It wouldn't suprise me if you could stab Edward with the Pope's cock and he wouldnt die.

Look. Vampires and vampire fiction have existed for over one hundred years. If you couldnt appreciate the literary works of Stoker, then you have absolutely no right to call yourself a fan of both horror and vampiric fiction. Just piss off back to your dreamworld where everything is roses, nothing wants to kill you, and if you came across a young, attractive young man who just happened to be a monster, he'd defy his predatory nature and fall in love with you. He wont. He'll slaughter you like cattle.


Oh, btw, Edward; sparkling is soooo 80's.

The World according to Rich - Political Correctness

Well, I was hoping to save this lovely kettle of sour fish until my first book (hah!), but what the hell, I feel like having a moan about something that affects everyone.

You cant pick up a newspaper, turn on the television, browse the internet, or have a conversation, without hearing stories about how one group of people pissed off another group of people, and there's a big hoorah about it all, where we're treated to weeks of pussyfooting around in circles to end up at a conclusion that satisfies no-one.

Here's my idea, ignore them. Ignore anyone who bitches and whines when someone talks about them. Its just as much my right to type shit about all these topics, as it is for these people to get offended by it. Its simple; if you dont like what I'm saying, dont read it. Put it out of your mind and get the hell on with your life. It's so rudimentary, I can hardly believe I'm having to type it out.

I remember a few years ago, one of our ministers got into trouble about the whole Muslim Veil issue. Now, it started off as a simple question from him; "Would you mind removing it when you're in a meeting?" but no, the tabloids, and any religious person who wants to make a few quid is up in arms, yelling about how he "DEMANDS VEIL REMOVED" or "INSISTS WOMAN TAKES OFF VEIL" . I applaud the minister (right) for having the balls to stand up to these overreacting, egotistical, megalomaniacal assholes who find every little fucking thing to complain about, hoping that everyone else bends over backwards to accomodate them. Well done, Mr Straw. (Even though you look like the Demon Headmaster. A bit.)


A final thought on these veils, by the way. There was a news story that came out not long after this one, in which a man conducted a test in which he wore a full body veil, and went through an airport. Not one security official asked him to remove it to verify his identity, he just went straight through. What does that say for our national security?! Are we really so terrified of these people that we wont carry out security procedures?

Another place where political correctness truly is going mad, is in the little things. Things you and I grew up with, nursery rhymes, gingerbreadmen, the nativity at primary school. All of these things cant exist anymore because someone, somewhere, has found the time to be offended, or someone has thought "Well we better ban that, just incase". Every day we see new societies forming, that want to change things "just incase" - in the words of the immortal Jeremy Clarkson; "They're not societies, they're just some silly old women in an attic"

"Baa Baa Black Sheep" was one of the nursery rhymes to be axed. Now, I dont know alot of black people, but I expect you'd have a task finding one who'd be offended by that. Its not as if it's saying "Baa Baa Black Man, have you any weed? Yea boi, yea boi, an ounce fo' tree fiddy" is it. The same with Gingerbreadmen. They have to be called "Gingerbreadperson" now. So basically, some stupid old fat woman has found the time between eating these treats, to be offended by them. I'd love to see a baker say a big "Fuck you" to these folks and draw little iced penises on them. Just to see what they'd do.


This political correctness bullshit is even starting to spread to television. One of my favourite programmes, 'Top Gear', is, as you know, hosted by three blokes, who basically drive fast cars, and mess about alot. Usually blowing up caravans along the way. I read that there are calls from feminist groups that a fourth female presenter should be added, to take away the "boys with toys" image of the show.



Fuck. Off. You stupid, nagging, useless, incoherant fucks. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many shows have an all male presenting team. The "boys with toys" image is what makes the show fun. You have "Loose Women", we have "Top Gear". Leave us alone.

Now dont get me wrong, a woman presenter wouldnt hurt the show all that much..IF she knew a damn thing about cars. Sabine Schmitz, for example (cutey that she is) would be an awesome pick, but lets face it. If Top Gear was to gain a new presenter, it'd be some blonde bimbo with huge breasts who would think that "Aston Martin" is the name of the bloke who played Samwise Gamgee in Lord of the Rings.

I could go on about this political correctness gone mad, but, I'd prefer to offer it in bitesize chunks, so you guys dont get bored. Besides, I can put the full flow of my ideas into that book.

Are you listening, Mr Publisher?

The World according to Rich - YouTube

Peter Parker's Uncle once said "With great power, comes great responsibility" - however, in YouTube's case, it's "With great servers comes a complete set of retards"

Dont get me wrong, YouTube is great for listening to music, catching up on your favourite TV shows, and watching video game playthroughs; but with this sugar cube comes a truckload of sour lemons.

The site seems to be infested with people who seem to think anyone wants to watch them for 10 minutes talking about how they put too much starch in with the wash, or that one time they ate a WHOOOLE pie. No-one could give two halves of a popcorn fart. Seriously.

I hear what you're thinking "But, you write a blog, what makes you different?" - one thing. I do this to make people laugh. YouTube bloggers do it because they want people to fawn over them like flies to cowshit. Besides, you could close this window, without becoming enraged. Try watching one of Boxxy's videos. That goddamn woman will be in your mind, pissing you off for at least a week. She's not the only one either.




Meet Pruane2forever.

When you're done staring at what can only be described as a bear trap underneath his nose, let me tell you a bit about our aluminimouth here. He will talk about anything. Seriously, anything. Rap, movies, games, braces (LOL), hell, probably even the aerodynamics of leprechauns. He does this, however, in a voice that if you put it into a supercomputer, the verdict would be "castrated moose". Annoying isnt even the fucking word. Its just nauseating. Try it, see if you notice anything other than the steroid enhanced jaw.

The people aren't the only problem. There are some who are genuinely entertaining, providing a good thing to the people. Darksydephil, TheSageRises, JamesNintendoNerd (otherwise known as the Angry Video Game Nerd) - but, good luck finding them amongst all the videos uploaded with a large pair of breasts as the thumbnail, only to find they lead to a video containing a link to buy Vietnamese women online.

It's the same with comments. How many times have you seen someone post something like "Once this little girl scooped her own eyes out with a rusty spoon, and she died, and if you dont post this on ten other videos, she's going to appear in your room and shove a pineapple up your ass" - the sad thing is, people fall for this shit. It takes up space and is just the most infantile version of internet trolling.


That being said, YouTube has it's merits. If you dont browse 4chan, you wont know Dusty. Dusty's owner placed a video on YouTube containing footage of him throwing Dusty against walls, kicking and punching him.

However, 4chan got wind of this, and hunted the guy down; now Dusty has a new home, and the abuser's life is ruined, just as soon as he gets out of prison.






So, perhaps we should learn to take the bitter with the sweet? Maybe. But lets give the people who warrant attention the views, huh? Not the poop-nuggets who wear eyeliner and talk about bullshit.

The World according to Rich - France

Forgive me for living up somewhat to an old British stereotype, but there are just a few things I'd like to get off my chest about Le France. Perhaps some will be poorly thought out, or untrue, but I dont really care. This is MY blog, so screw you. I'll say what I damn well like.

First of all, it seems as though Sarkozy has taken the liberty of forgetting the fact that other people had to pull his country out of the fire twice. The D-Day rememberence events were an absolute disgrace; the Queen of the United Kingdom didnt even recieve an invite. Talk about a slap in the goddamned face.

On top of that, he seems to think that France is the leading country when it comes to running the European Union - but it's not. They wrote up an expansive EU Constitution, which they later refused to sign (?!). That man couldnt find his arse without a map and both hands (and its not exactly far away from his head, is it)


Now, before French people come and spam my blog with comments about how I'm a disgrace and I should go have sex with a poodle, stow it. France has indeed given us some wonderful things. Fine cheeses, VERY fine wines, and..eh..other things. That I cant remember. Oh yeah, Alizee. Fuck yeah.

Anyway, I read recently that a survey deemed the French tourists as the most arrogant and impatient in Europe. That's saying something when they're competing with us Brits, really. It seems that the French have a constant desire to project themselves as better people than anyone else, when they're exactly the same. They just have extra bits on their letters.

And what the heck is up with their cuisine? Some of it is lovely, really nice, but I swear, they'll eat bloody ANYTHING. Snails, Frogs, Horses, Gnats, Elves, Hobbits. Put it in a white wine sauce, and it'll be bon for Jaques. Christ, what happened to being able to pronounce what you're eating?

That brings me on nicely (somehow) to French cars.

Now, I dont care how reliable Peugeots are. Every single 'new' Peugeot has looked exactly the same as the last one. Perhaps their designer had died about 20 years after the first one, so they just copy & pasted his work onto everything. Make a bloody effort! And, I dont claim to be an authority on 'style' and 'chic', but Peugeots are neither chic nor stylish. They look like someone punched an Asian man in the face and put wheels on him.

Finally, why do all French people look exactly the same? All the women seem to have brown hair with silly fringes and glasses on, and all the men are constantly in suits. Its like the world's worst party; everyone came dressed in the same outfit :O

The World according to Rich - Rap

Oh-ho, what a humdinger! Good old rap music. This is one subject that I *really* dont care what anyone else thinks about. I hate it. I really do.

I've never heard such a cacophany of swearing, unintelligable rantings, and gyrating black women with large rears. Its just.. so.. crap!

What the fuck is up with this guy? He's clearly wearing the badges he's stolen from someone's car. It doesnt look good, it doesnt look clever, it makes him look like a raving dickhead.

And for that matter, what's the deal with their names? "Lethal Bizzle" "Lo Flo" and "Freshwater Aquarium" - it makes these people sound like they're 8 years old. Again, its not clever, its not cool. Your name isnt Lethal Drizzle. Grow up.

Also, why do rappers insist on wearing baseball caps at jaunty angles? The whole point of a baseball cap is to stop sunlight getting into your eyes. Unfortunately, rapper logic dictates that this functionality would better be directed at their ears, or their cheek. So basically, its doubly rubbish, because not only will they get hot, they'll look like a knob doing it.

I wont deny that rappers can carry a rhyme. Its just unfortunate that it's usually "ho's" with "bro's" and "tricks" with "dicks". No-one wants to hear about you "macking that ho" in your "flow fo sho mo fo" or something. Sing something people can enjoy with their parents in the room you unimaginative tit.

Classy eh? This seems to be the dominant trend with rap music. Its all about how many people they've killed and how many women they've had sex with, when clearly they've done neither once. He's even called himself "Pooh". Imbecile. When was the last time you saw Winnie mowing down Tigger with a Mac-10? Exactly. Think things through Pooh.

I know its also about "growing up in the hood" and all that. If the hood sucks, move. Become a lawyer. Become a basketball player or someshit. Anything to stop you from moping around in a hoodie waiting to sing about how someone stole your mum's flowerpot when you were six. I couldnt give two halves of a shit. Most of the civilised world doesnt. Just go away.

If I wrote a song about how I went through primary and secondary school and got average grades, would people start acting like me and blasting me out of the speakers in their Ford Focus cars? No. Because I've never shot someone.

Protip fellas; if you shoot someone, dont proceed to then write and sing a song saying so. That's kind of a giveaway. The most important aspect of being a gangster is that people dont know you break the law. Otherwise you're just a massive dumbass who deserves to be arrested for displaying some balatant disregard for sense and logic.

And oh boy, am I going to lay into people like this a little more in a later episode, but they bear a mention right now, as a sort of teaser for a later rant.

These kids arent black. They cant sing, they look like the clothing section at Asda just vomited on them, and they appear to have the collective IQ of a rather challenged mosquito. But they'll follow rappers to the ends of the earth to look cool. Which, in a way is rather amusing, when you get over the sheer facepalmness of the whole thing. Just..I tell you what; if I was Prime Minister, anyone wearing stuff like that and using the terms "wikkid" or "innit" would be shot in the face using a full metal jacket 5.56mm round from a rifle. They contribute nothing, they impress no-one, and they just generally get on
my.
tits.

The World according to Rich - Football

Woow, I know i'm SO getting flak for this one. One of my pet peeves truely is football. Not the American kind, I like that, but the European-Obsessive-Repetitive kind.

You know how it is. There's a big match, the whole country stops to watch it, Team A loses against Team B, excuses are made, the season is wrapped up, but oh wait, now the Derby starts, where Team C is playing Team D to try to get to play Team B aft- eugh. Its just repetitive crap.

And what's up with their insane salaries?! Ungodly amounts of money for doing what? Running around for a bit and kicking a pigs bladder into a net. So, by that logic, I can go out and throw a stick at a dog, and claim £40,000,000 for it? I see nurses, doctors, police officers, carers, teachers, all of whom that money could be better spent on. And for that matter, are people really so blind that we sit in the middle of an economic crisis, there's no money, and these people continue to suckle on the proverbial breast of idiocy.

What especially gets on my wick is when they foul each other. I've seen more of an impact from a speck of dust colliding with my nose than what's involved in those farcical displays of sheer lunacy. And it seems the BBC havent quite twigged yet, that playing it back in slow motion from every single angle does nothing but prove what a pathetic pussy that player is. The slightest brush from someone else and the player is floored, clutching his face in a perfectly practised performance of desperate agony. Getting kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, or falling onto a flowerbed laced with broken glass; both of these are incidents worthy of agony.


And, they need to change their uniforms. Kneehigh socks are only good on two occassions;

1. When a necessary evil for school uniform
2. When worn by a cute woman.



Under no circumstances should they adorn a man in shorts who looks like he was bathed in Brylcreem and then beaten in the face with a shovel.

Finally, I must address the football fans. Yes, yes, I admit that there are alot of people who enjoy watching the sport and can somehow find the time to not get half naked and shout abuse at German people, whilst casting cheap plastic garden furniture through windows because Sunderland didnt quite beat Rotheram. Grow. The FUCK. Up. You football hooligans are an embarassment to this country and to the sport you love so much. Sports are supposed to be places where you can take your family for a fun day out. Few drinks in the pub, watch the match, bag of chips, tip-top. But hooliganism has single handedly ruined the notion of a Sunday morning when father and son could go to the stadium, cheer their favourite players and their favourite teams without being bombarded with fat, bald men shouting all the profanities under the sun in all the directions they can still see after their close relationship with Special Brew.

Here are two sets of fans: Spot the difference.

No contest, really.

The World according to Rich - Modern Art

Are you kidding me? What the fuck is up with this? At what point did someone say "Hey, I wont paint anymore, I'll just string up my bedsheets and piss on them"?

Are these monstrosities supposed to represent something? Of course. But no, they dont. That doesnt stop them from putting that bullshit up though does it, and making a fortune from it. Infact, I could smear a tablecloth with some strawberry jam, send it to the Tate Modern and say it represents "the struggle of humanity againt madness", or something equally ridiculous.

Seriously, when did painting things that you can see go out of fashion? Why do I have to see a bent over mannequin in a suit instead of a lovely watercolour of Dorset? I swear to god, these people pull ideas out of their ass (sometimes literally) and make a whole lot of money for them.

You're not kidding anybody. Everyone knows that all you've done is made your cat take a crap on a piece of plywood, and no, it doesnt represent my internal struggle against monotony. Its a cat shit on a piece of wood, and anyone who sees anything more is a fucking moron, who couldnt see a Boeing 747 that had just landed on his house.

I'm a member of DeviantArt, and I'll be the first to admit that some people have some real talent, they can paint, they can draw, and they can take pictures. However, for all of those people, we have a gigantic wave of imbeciles that seem to think that people want to see them looking a bit upset, or the fact that they have taken a razor to their wrists. People who cut themselves are so upset that they just go ahead and kill themselves. They dont keep a visual account of all the times they've tried, or, more realistically, they dont keep a visual account because they're clearly craving attention. I dont want to see the marks on your wrists. I want to see you draw or paint or photograph something interesting. That's what art is. Grow up. Stop cutting yourself and paint something someone gives a shit about.

And that brings me on nicely to emo girls who seem to think the "above-and-slightly-to-one-side" camera angle is art. Its not. You're fat, and you're trying to mislead people. If you have a nice set of eyes, then I guess it's okay, but in all other cases, its just a pathetic attempt to mask the fact that you like cake. And pies. And lots and lots of lard

A three year old could paint that picture. It represents nothing. I'm sorry, but it doesnt. If you wanted to captivate a still life set of fruit, paint a set of fruit that doesnt look like someone has just stabbed a clown. Even better, dont paint something atall. Just go away. Because you're shit.


In closing, why do people seem to think this stuff is acceptable? They get paid thousands for these things, and I have a very hard time believing its for something other than money. .