The World according to Rich - Twilight

Before I vomit, I'd like to dedicate this blogpost to Froggy, who motivated me to put our thoughts down on this page.

Well, why dont we get the obvious out of the way first, huh? I dont like Twilight. Froggy doesnt like Twilight. Anyone with a vague fibre on the rope of sanity doesnt like Twilight. So, why is it so popular?

Well, lets see. Its about vampires. Okay, fine. Vampires are cool. But, sparkling ones? ..What? Forgive me, I may be demonstrating ignorance here, but, arent vampires, historically speaking, supposed to suffer Final Death when exposed to sunlight? No, evidently not, otherwise it'd be awkward to tie in some shitty romance story. Its like Meyer took American Pie and put vampires in it.

Now, as the Frogster said to me, every book has fans, no matter how poorly it may have been written. I picked up the first in the Twilight series and attempted to read the first chapter. I almost vomited. People online could write better than that shit. But more to the point, Twilight fans are a bit like velociraptors of literature. They're about as abrasive as rubbing ones gentleman's area with coarse sandpaper.

The women are the worst. You cant go anywhere on the internet nowadays without some stupid bitch screaming "I WANT A BOYFRIEND LIKE EDWARD!!1!111!!1" - newsflash ladies, he doesnt exist. Neither do vampires. And if you did meet a guy who's pretty much as abusive as he is, then, joke's on you. Enjoy your black eye.

Now, I dont claim to be an expert by any means on vampire mythology, but, I'm not exactly ignorant to it either. I've read the original Dracula, listened to Christopher Lee reading it, read Anne Rice, hell, I've read Goosebumps and watched Van Helsing. All of which at least shared the essential traits of the vampire; sunlight, stakes, garlic, crucifix, bites. But, Twilight just..does away with these. It wouldn't suprise me if you could stab Edward with the Pope's cock and he wouldnt die.

Look. Vampires and vampire fiction have existed for over one hundred years. If you couldnt appreciate the literary works of Stoker, then you have absolutely no right to call yourself a fan of both horror and vampiric fiction. Just piss off back to your dreamworld where everything is roses, nothing wants to kill you, and if you came across a young, attractive young man who just happened to be a monster, he'd defy his predatory nature and fall in love with you. He wont. He'll slaughter you like cattle.


Oh, btw, Edward; sparkling is soooo 80's.