The World according to Rich - Rap

Oh-ho, what a humdinger! Good old rap music. This is one subject that I *really* dont care what anyone else thinks about. I hate it. I really do.

I've never heard such a cacophany of swearing, unintelligable rantings, and gyrating black women with large rears. Its just.. so.. crap!

What the fuck is up with this guy? He's clearly wearing the badges he's stolen from someone's car. It doesnt look good, it doesnt look clever, it makes him look like a raving dickhead.

And for that matter, what's the deal with their names? "Lethal Bizzle" "Lo Flo" and "Freshwater Aquarium" - it makes these people sound like they're 8 years old. Again, its not clever, its not cool. Your name isnt Lethal Drizzle. Grow up.

Also, why do rappers insist on wearing baseball caps at jaunty angles? The whole point of a baseball cap is to stop sunlight getting into your eyes. Unfortunately, rapper logic dictates that this functionality would better be directed at their ears, or their cheek. So basically, its doubly rubbish, because not only will they get hot, they'll look like a knob doing it.

I wont deny that rappers can carry a rhyme. Its just unfortunate that it's usually "ho's" with "bro's" and "tricks" with "dicks". No-one wants to hear about you "macking that ho" in your "flow fo sho mo fo" or something. Sing something people can enjoy with their parents in the room you unimaginative tit.

Classy eh? This seems to be the dominant trend with rap music. Its all about how many people they've killed and how many women they've had sex with, when clearly they've done neither once. He's even called himself "Pooh". Imbecile. When was the last time you saw Winnie mowing down Tigger with a Mac-10? Exactly. Think things through Pooh.

I know its also about "growing up in the hood" and all that. If the hood sucks, move. Become a lawyer. Become a basketball player or someshit. Anything to stop you from moping around in a hoodie waiting to sing about how someone stole your mum's flowerpot when you were six. I couldnt give two halves of a shit. Most of the civilised world doesnt. Just go away.

If I wrote a song about how I went through primary and secondary school and got average grades, would people start acting like me and blasting me out of the speakers in their Ford Focus cars? No. Because I've never shot someone.

Protip fellas; if you shoot someone, dont proceed to then write and sing a song saying so. That's kind of a giveaway. The most important aspect of being a gangster is that people dont know you break the law. Otherwise you're just a massive dumbass who deserves to be arrested for displaying some balatant disregard for sense and logic.

And oh boy, am I going to lay into people like this a little more in a later episode, but they bear a mention right now, as a sort of teaser for a later rant.

These kids arent black. They cant sing, they look like the clothing section at Asda just vomited on them, and they appear to have the collective IQ of a rather challenged mosquito. But they'll follow rappers to the ends of the earth to look cool. Which, in a way is rather amusing, when you get over the sheer facepalmness of the whole thing. Just..I tell you what; if I was Prime Minister, anyone wearing stuff like that and using the terms "wikkid" or "innit" would be shot in the face using a full metal jacket 5.56mm round from a rifle. They contribute nothing, they impress no-one, and they just generally get on
my.
tits.