The World according to Rich - Babies

Cue the female lynch party. Balls to you. Literally. Infact, I titled this wrong, this should be about dumbass parents. Well, no, I'll just cover both in one. You should feel priveledged. Before you start, yes, I reckon I'd be a quite good dad someday, but until that day comes, keep your goddamned noisy, puke covered, crying, stupidly dressed abomination away from me. I don't want to have to deal with that shit until I have to, thank you.

No, it doesnt look beautiful, it doesnt look like Jesus reborn, it's a baby. Its the genetic mix of you and your partner. And its at least 18 years of responsibility. It might seem awesome for a few months, but when you have a few sleepless nights because baby just shat itself, come back and tell me I'm right.

Don't get me wrong; I love the idea of having kids someday, I just wish I could bypass the being-covered-in-custard bit and get straight to the shooting of their first boy/girlfriend. I cant wait to be waiting in the hedge, timing how long it takes my daughter to say goodnight. Longer than 2 minutes, then he gets a machete to the mouth. If a girl breaks my boys heart, then I'll boil her eyes in transmission fluid. But, does this mean I should have to suffer all the other kids? No. Of course not. If people can't control their kids properly, why should everyone else have to suffer the consequences?

Take resteraunts for example. If you try to tell me you have ever been to a resteraunt that "welcomes" children and not been pissed off when the little fuckers are doing laps of the bar or pretending to be Hulk Hogan, then I'm sorry but I don't believe you. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself with that going on? You just can't. You're overwhelmed with a desire to shove them in the deep fat frier and chow down on fried-child.

It's not just resteraunts where children get on my proverbial tits. Museums. I have never understood why parents think it a good idea to drag 4 year old Jack through an exhibition about coal mining in Zambia. He's not arsed, and neither are you. Just go away. I want to touch lumps of coal inappropriately in peace. The reason children are always rowdy in these places is that not enough emphasis is placed on museums, libraries and historical sites. If people would talk to their kids, tell them just what the places mean, then maybe they'd shut their goddamned ice-cream covered mouths and read.

Too many times I've seen women with more children than they can control, smoking like a Welsh power station, and with the intellectual ability of a cowpat. I could honestly punch someone like that. Repeatedly. Probably adding a few hits with whatever blunt object was at hand. IT'S YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT. WHY SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING KIDS. EH!? It's not our fault your legs are a revolving door for pregnancy and syphillis.

To get back to the point, if your child can't stop running around screaming, it's not their fault, it's yours. It's ruining everyone elses time, and making everyone uncomfortable because everyone wants to shove that child back up whence it came. I beg you, stop having children. I don't want to pay for them. I don't want to have them vomiting in my burger or sandwich, and I don't want them thinking it's funny to throw things at the tall guy who is about to murder them.