The World according to Rich - Holidays Abroad

I know you're expecting me to rant about how insufferable foreign people are when they're visiting Britain and how British people are the international ambassadors for civility.

Sorry, but no. Let me start by outlining the fact that I aknowledge that the vast majority of British tourists are constantly drunk, and throwing furniture at Germans. If not that, our women are orange and are wearing less fabric than an aspirin bottle, and the men wear speedos constructed with fishing wire.

But that doesnt give other countries a get-out-of-jail-free card. No. Each country has their flaws, just as we do. Russians for example, are as white as a BNP supporter and look at you with a ravenous desire to put radioactive things in your scrambled egg. Don't be fooled. He's imagining you in the back of his Lada with no head.

The Dutch are bloody everywhere - even Wales. Now, of all the destinations to choose on your tour of the UK, why pick Ystalyfera and Ystradgynlais? Not exactly casino capital of the world. Sure, there are the Brecon Beacons, but you can get to those from other places. Stop clogging up my roads with your Opel people carriers.

The French complain about the fact they cant buy toasted snails in Greggs, and when you're in France, look at you like you just kicked their dad in the plums because you aren't fluent in French. The Germans have the humour of a poached oyster, and eat sausage for breakfast, when they aren't busy plotting.

If you ever go to visit Spain expecting to see matadors asking for a bulls horn through their nads, you're rigged for disappointment - the place is choc-a-bloc full of people from Liverpool vomiting over a fruit stand and falling over. Italy is no better; its full of people on scooters going at incredibly high speed to absolutely nowhere - hell, even Venice hasnt thought to call a plumber.

The Americans, oh man. Perfectly polite people, and would give you about £20,000 just for being British, but they always talk to each other like one is still in the United States and can only just hear them it's like they have Caps Lock on for their vocal chords. And they always seem so disappointed that we don't still go around in horse and carriage whilst wearing top hats and a monacle.

There's no point going to the Middle East either, you'll either be shot or toasted whilst a man called Abdul steals your wallet. I can go to Egypt with some builders sand and by turning the central heating up.

In short, why spend your child's kidney flying over to god knows where to get food poisoning, when you can just go to your local kebab shop for £3?