The World according to Rich - Christmas

Ahhh, one of the best celebrations of the birth of a fictional character. Why is there no Spockmas? And no Spidermas? I'll tell you why, no-one really cares about what Christmas means, its just a great excuse to get hopelessly drunk, eat too much, and embarass yourself on Dance Dance Revolution.

Besides, if you go to church at Christmas, you end up sitting on a horribly uncomfortable bench for 3 hours learning about the birth of Jesus, which, because I am so fantastic to you all, I'll summarise:

Some virgin woman who essentially got raeped by God, was homeless for a bit, and then spat out a baby in a bunch of hay. There were other dudes there who followed a star or someshit, brought gifts of Jewgolds, Frankenstein and Mirror, shouted a bit, and then everyone went home.

Oh, and there were donkeys.

Now come on, who the fuck gives a baby spices and shit? Its like they totally forgot, and had to rush and get some cheap wank from the local Texaco in Nazareth. Its a bit..flimsy to be honest. However, sleeping in a barn was a good choice by Joseph, since I cant imagine the Premier Inns in the year 0 would be much better than they are nowadays.

Another annoying thing about this time of the year is shopping. Never before (other than when filling the car with petrol) have I seen my bank account witter to nothing faster than when Christmas shopping. And the lot of it as a load of wank anyway. Have you ever been to one of those shops called "Bedazzle" or "Spiritualissimo" - I should open one called "Shop O'Crap". £450,000,000 for a glass orb that's supposed to act as an aphrodisiac or someshit, feng shui beads, roast camels testicle, basically, if Koreans eat it, the shops sell it.

Why is it whenever you walk into one, it smells like a rotting corpse? Incense? Nonsense morelike. The shopkeepers arent much better, most look like a rotting corpse. With dreadlocks. The mid-90's is that way, pal.

Now, alot of you are probably thinking "What a miserable bastard" - well, if you're a newcomer, yes, I am a bit of one. If you've been following my blog, then HERPDERPDETECTIVE. I just dont like how Christmas has become so commercialised, the idea that you have to spend a shitload of money to have a happy one. You don't. All you need is friends or family, some booze, some nice food, and some games to play. Everything else, in my opinion, is a bonus.

Oh, and what's up with all the furniture sales on Boxing Day? It's advertised that you can buy a sofa set worth £3000 for £1600! ..Well why the fuck was it £3000 in the first place?! If the company can afford to hold that sale, why grossly inflate the price to begin with? Assholes. Any excuse to make a cheap buck from muggins. On the topic of television, it's almost universally crap. Repeats of shows that were made 30 years ago (admittedly, some of them are good to see again, but where are the original new shows?), and repeats of movies that everyone in the history of the galaxy has seen three hundred thousand times. Oh, and the Queen's speech. Oh-ho. Ready for this one?
Who actually watches this? Apart from people over 60. What's the point? Its just an hour of the Queen being oblivious to how shit everything is here. I'd bet that Gordon Brown will make an appearance at some point and grin like a one-eyed smug twat who has us all over a barrel. Now, I understand a portion of the population of the UK watch it religiously to be affirmed that the Queen hasn't forgotten about us, but what exactly has she done to help? Nothing. Statistics show that the UK is the most depressed country in Europe, and 8 in 10 people said 2009 was the shittest year they've had. Bollocks to this tripe. If she wants me to listen to her, then televise her shoving her Queenboot so far up the governments arse their crooked expenses claims shoot out of their nose. You can't tell me that seeing the Queen give Peter Mandelson a Shawn Michaels style superkick wouldn't be awesome.

Right, now I've got most of that off of my chest, I'm going to have a glass of sherry and throw ice at small children.

Merry Benicemas!