The World according to Rich - France

Forgive me for living up somewhat to an old British stereotype, but there are just a few things I'd like to get off my chest about Le France. Perhaps some will be poorly thought out, or untrue, but I dont really care. This is MY blog, so screw you. I'll say what I damn well like.

First of all, it seems as though Sarkozy has taken the liberty of forgetting the fact that other people had to pull his country out of the fire twice. The D-Day rememberence events were an absolute disgrace; the Queen of the United Kingdom didnt even recieve an invite. Talk about a slap in the goddamned face.

On top of that, he seems to think that France is the leading country when it comes to running the European Union - but it's not. They wrote up an expansive EU Constitution, which they later refused to sign (?!). That man couldnt find his arse without a map and both hands (and its not exactly far away from his head, is it)


Now, before French people come and spam my blog with comments about how I'm a disgrace and I should go have sex with a poodle, stow it. France has indeed given us some wonderful things. Fine cheeses, VERY fine wines, and..eh..other things. That I cant remember. Oh yeah, Alizee. Fuck yeah.

Anyway, I read recently that a survey deemed the French tourists as the most arrogant and impatient in Europe. That's saying something when they're competing with us Brits, really. It seems that the French have a constant desire to project themselves as better people than anyone else, when they're exactly the same. They just have extra bits on their letters.

And what the heck is up with their cuisine? Some of it is lovely, really nice, but I swear, they'll eat bloody ANYTHING. Snails, Frogs, Horses, Gnats, Elves, Hobbits. Put it in a white wine sauce, and it'll be bon for Jaques. Christ, what happened to being able to pronounce what you're eating?

That brings me on nicely (somehow) to French cars.

Now, I dont care how reliable Peugeots are. Every single 'new' Peugeot has looked exactly the same as the last one. Perhaps their designer had died about 20 years after the first one, so they just copy & pasted his work onto everything. Make a bloody effort! And, I dont claim to be an authority on 'style' and 'chic', but Peugeots are neither chic nor stylish. They look like someone punched an Asian man in the face and put wheels on him.

Finally, why do all French people look exactly the same? All the women seem to have brown hair with silly fringes and glasses on, and all the men are constantly in suits. Its like the world's worst party; everyone came dressed in the same outfit :O

The World according to Rich - Rap

Oh-ho, what a humdinger! Good old rap music. This is one subject that I *really* dont care what anyone else thinks about. I hate it. I really do.

I've never heard such a cacophany of swearing, unintelligable rantings, and gyrating black women with large rears. Its just.. so.. crap!

What the fuck is up with this guy? He's clearly wearing the badges he's stolen from someone's car. It doesnt look good, it doesnt look clever, it makes him look like a raving dickhead.

And for that matter, what's the deal with their names? "Lethal Bizzle" "Lo Flo" and "Freshwater Aquarium" - it makes these people sound like they're 8 years old. Again, its not clever, its not cool. Your name isnt Lethal Drizzle. Grow up.

Also, why do rappers insist on wearing baseball caps at jaunty angles? The whole point of a baseball cap is to stop sunlight getting into your eyes. Unfortunately, rapper logic dictates that this functionality would better be directed at their ears, or their cheek. So basically, its doubly rubbish, because not only will they get hot, they'll look like a knob doing it.

I wont deny that rappers can carry a rhyme. Its just unfortunate that it's usually "ho's" with "bro's" and "tricks" with "dicks". No-one wants to hear about you "macking that ho" in your "flow fo sho mo fo" or something. Sing something people can enjoy with their parents in the room you unimaginative tit.

Classy eh? This seems to be the dominant trend with rap music. Its all about how many people they've killed and how many women they've had sex with, when clearly they've done neither once. He's even called himself "Pooh". Imbecile. When was the last time you saw Winnie mowing down Tigger with a Mac-10? Exactly. Think things through Pooh.

I know its also about "growing up in the hood" and all that. If the hood sucks, move. Become a lawyer. Become a basketball player or someshit. Anything to stop you from moping around in a hoodie waiting to sing about how someone stole your mum's flowerpot when you were six. I couldnt give two halves of a shit. Most of the civilised world doesnt. Just go away.

If I wrote a song about how I went through primary and secondary school and got average grades, would people start acting like me and blasting me out of the speakers in their Ford Focus cars? No. Because I've never shot someone.

Protip fellas; if you shoot someone, dont proceed to then write and sing a song saying so. That's kind of a giveaway. The most important aspect of being a gangster is that people dont know you break the law. Otherwise you're just a massive dumbass who deserves to be arrested for displaying some balatant disregard for sense and logic.

And oh boy, am I going to lay into people like this a little more in a later episode, but they bear a mention right now, as a sort of teaser for a later rant.

These kids arent black. They cant sing, they look like the clothing section at Asda just vomited on them, and they appear to have the collective IQ of a rather challenged mosquito. But they'll follow rappers to the ends of the earth to look cool. Which, in a way is rather amusing, when you get over the sheer facepalmness of the whole thing. Just..I tell you what; if I was Prime Minister, anyone wearing stuff like that and using the terms "wikkid" or "innit" would be shot in the face using a full metal jacket 5.56mm round from a rifle. They contribute nothing, they impress no-one, and they just generally get on
my.
tits.

The World according to Rich - Football

Woow, I know i'm SO getting flak for this one. One of my pet peeves truely is football. Not the American kind, I like that, but the European-Obsessive-Repetitive kind.

You know how it is. There's a big match, the whole country stops to watch it, Team A loses against Team B, excuses are made, the season is wrapped up, but oh wait, now the Derby starts, where Team C is playing Team D to try to get to play Team B aft- eugh. Its just repetitive crap.

And what's up with their insane salaries?! Ungodly amounts of money for doing what? Running around for a bit and kicking a pigs bladder into a net. So, by that logic, I can go out and throw a stick at a dog, and claim £40,000,000 for it? I see nurses, doctors, police officers, carers, teachers, all of whom that money could be better spent on. And for that matter, are people really so blind that we sit in the middle of an economic crisis, there's no money, and these people continue to suckle on the proverbial breast of idiocy.

What especially gets on my wick is when they foul each other. I've seen more of an impact from a speck of dust colliding with my nose than what's involved in those farcical displays of sheer lunacy. And it seems the BBC havent quite twigged yet, that playing it back in slow motion from every single angle does nothing but prove what a pathetic pussy that player is. The slightest brush from someone else and the player is floored, clutching his face in a perfectly practised performance of desperate agony. Getting kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, or falling onto a flowerbed laced with broken glass; both of these are incidents worthy of agony.


And, they need to change their uniforms. Kneehigh socks are only good on two occassions;

1. When a necessary evil for school uniform
2. When worn by a cute woman.



Under no circumstances should they adorn a man in shorts who looks like he was bathed in Brylcreem and then beaten in the face with a shovel.

Finally, I must address the football fans. Yes, yes, I admit that there are alot of people who enjoy watching the sport and can somehow find the time to not get half naked and shout abuse at German people, whilst casting cheap plastic garden furniture through windows because Sunderland didnt quite beat Rotheram. Grow. The FUCK. Up. You football hooligans are an embarassment to this country and to the sport you love so much. Sports are supposed to be places where you can take your family for a fun day out. Few drinks in the pub, watch the match, bag of chips, tip-top. But hooliganism has single handedly ruined the notion of a Sunday morning when father and son could go to the stadium, cheer their favourite players and their favourite teams without being bombarded with fat, bald men shouting all the profanities under the sun in all the directions they can still see after their close relationship with Special Brew.

Here are two sets of fans: Spot the difference.

No contest, really.

The World according to Rich - Modern Art

Are you kidding me? What the fuck is up with this? At what point did someone say "Hey, I wont paint anymore, I'll just string up my bedsheets and piss on them"?

Are these monstrosities supposed to represent something? Of course. But no, they dont. That doesnt stop them from putting that bullshit up though does it, and making a fortune from it. Infact, I could smear a tablecloth with some strawberry jam, send it to the Tate Modern and say it represents "the struggle of humanity againt madness", or something equally ridiculous.

Seriously, when did painting things that you can see go out of fashion? Why do I have to see a bent over mannequin in a suit instead of a lovely watercolour of Dorset? I swear to god, these people pull ideas out of their ass (sometimes literally) and make a whole lot of money for them.

You're not kidding anybody. Everyone knows that all you've done is made your cat take a crap on a piece of plywood, and no, it doesnt represent my internal struggle against monotony. Its a cat shit on a piece of wood, and anyone who sees anything more is a fucking moron, who couldnt see a Boeing 747 that had just landed on his house.

I'm a member of DeviantArt, and I'll be the first to admit that some people have some real talent, they can paint, they can draw, and they can take pictures. However, for all of those people, we have a gigantic wave of imbeciles that seem to think that people want to see them looking a bit upset, or the fact that they have taken a razor to their wrists. People who cut themselves are so upset that they just go ahead and kill themselves. They dont keep a visual account of all the times they've tried, or, more realistically, they dont keep a visual account because they're clearly craving attention. I dont want to see the marks on your wrists. I want to see you draw or paint or photograph something interesting. That's what art is. Grow up. Stop cutting yourself and paint something someone gives a shit about.

And that brings me on nicely to emo girls who seem to think the "above-and-slightly-to-one-side" camera angle is art. Its not. You're fat, and you're trying to mislead people. If you have a nice set of eyes, then I guess it's okay, but in all other cases, its just a pathetic attempt to mask the fact that you like cake. And pies. And lots and lots of lard

A three year old could paint that picture. It represents nothing. I'm sorry, but it doesnt. If you wanted to captivate a still life set of fruit, paint a set of fruit that doesnt look like someone has just stabbed a clown. Even better, dont paint something atall. Just go away. Because you're shit.


In closing, why do people seem to think this stuff is acceptable? They get paid thousands for these things, and I have a very hard time believing its for something other than money. .

The World according to Rich - Gordon Brown

You knew this was coming, didnt you. Well yes. Yes it was. On the one in a two and a half billion chance that he ever reads this, Gordon, take heed.

You know what? I dont blame you for the mess the country was in a while ago. No, I dont. Well, actually yes I do. As far as I'm concerned, Tony Blair left you with a big steaming shit in a paper bag and ran away. But, instead of disposing of it properly, you seem to have achieved the nigh-impossible task of making everything worse. Essentially, you've taken the dogturd in a bag, and then asked a Great Dane to come and urinate on it.

To become a Member of Parliament, there should be a 'logic test' - one that ensures that whoever is coming to power realises that the key to repaying debts is to NOT INCUR MORE. That's like saying "Yes, I know I'm fat, but I'll have a few more pies because they taste nice." How USELESS do you have to be to come to that conclusion? At what point did Gordon Brown suggest that to repay the UK's spiralling international debt, that we should borrow more money? Was everyone drunk? Or were they just too busy claiming expenses for their toilet paper?

And what is it spent on? I saw a news report recently that said that 2.3 billion pounds had just disappeared. Who the fuck loses 2.3 billion pounds? I could buy a small island for that. Each of us pays (or will pay) road tax. What for? When was the last time you ever drove down a British road and said "You know, this is a good bit of road."? It seems to me that tax is payed to fund fat blokes in high-visibility jackets to stand around doing fuck all. "Hey, I'll close this road for 8 weeks because there's a dead squirrel." I despair.

Why are we paying £25,000,000 a day to the European Union? What the FUCK do we get from it? In essence, we're subsidising French farms, who, instead of merging into big farms, decide to 'struggle' as small ones and cost you and me money to support. Would Sarkozy do anything about it? Would he shite. He's too busy insulting our Queen and being a midget.

In essence, what is Gordon Brown doing to stop all this? Nothing. Be it from people whispering in his ear about how they want an extra 10% on their paycheck or his own bumbling dumbassery, its about time we ousted him.


The trouble is, there's no-one who doesnt have a brown nose to vote for. And for that matter, I thought this was supposed to be a democracy? I dont remember ever voting for the stupid dick.

The World according to Rich - Young Drivers

Okay, why not start with something that hits close to home for my friends and myself. Young drivers.

Now dont get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being young and driving a car to get to point A to point B, but you cant deny that ignoring that percentage of the population, the other 80% are complete fuckwits when it comes to automobiles.

Let me give you an example. I'm 6' 7", and thus need a big(ish) car so I can fit in it. This, naturally, makes the insurance companies so monumentally angry, that they feel the need to charge me three times what other young drivers pay. At no point was I asked about my physical condition, and they made no attempt during countless circular phonecalls to aknowledge my vast leg length.

So imagine my frustration when every time I'm out in a public place, I see Derk Fuckwit in his 'highly modified' Ford Focus when I can barely afford a Daihatsu. And he doesnt just drive, oh no, he not only drives, but he feels the need to announce his presence with an overly large (and ironically, performance degrading) exhaust. I'm sorry, but people who fit drainpipe exhausts to cars with engines under 2.5 liters are unquestionably sporting inadequate sexual organs.

The road outside my house is a haven for these 'speed freaks' too. One guy particularly likes getting up to fifth gear in his turbo enhanced car. I think to myself "I bet he has a Subaru Impreza, or a Mitsubishi Evo", but no, the man had a 1998 4 door Saxo. About £500 worth of car, with £2,500 worth of turbo system. However, I wasnt suprised, because I had already concluded that his brain was about the size of an anorexic wasp.

And trust me, I'll cover this in more detail in a future rant, but what the hell is up with these kids playing the most godawful and aurally violating drum and bass music? Dont get me wrong, I dont mind drum and bass, I quite like lots of music (except rap, which I'll also cover later) but I dont go around with overly large speakers pumping out a banging bit of Chas and Dave, do I. No. So why should they? Because they CRAVE attention. They want to be at the center of everyone's vision and hearing, they want people to look and go "WOW!"

Too bad that people look and go "What a massive prick."

Welcome to The World according to Rich

Hello and welcome! If you know me personally, you know that there is nothing I enjoy more than having a good rant about things I:

1. Cant change
2. Shouldnt care about
3. Know very little about

But, you're here, so you must want to humour me, or something. Please enjoy, and feel free to leave a comment, as long as it agrees with my opinion. If it doesnt, then it'll be destroyed like Andy Murray's dreams were.