The World according to Rich - Global Warming

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Good old Global Warming, eh? I would rather eat a hobo's sock than listen to any more hoodoo about it.

The way I understand it, the earth is warming up, and the ice caps are melting, raising sea levels. (Even though that wouldnt really affect me, being up on a mountain. LOL sucks for you Holland!)
Apparantley, its all our fault, too. Because our cars are too big, our cows fart too much, and we dont recycle the corn in our shit.

Funny thing is, the vast majority of people havent stopped to think that it *might* all be a load of complete shite. Think about it logically! If the earth was heating up so much that it was threatening several countries, do you honestly think recycling our milk bottles is going to stop it? Is it shite. Eco-Mentalists live in a fantasy world, where they think Mother Nature has invited them around to discuss global warming over a plate of eco-muffins.

Urgh.

Please stop telling me how to live my life. Please. If I'm going to drown in dead polar bears, the fact that I drive to the supermarket has nothing to do with it. Infact, I live in fucking Wales. Bring Global Warming ON. Might get a summer worth spit. I'm sick of being told that I need to be green. Go fuck yourself. If I want to leave my car idling for 5 minutes, I'll leave it so. You have a problem with it, I'll rape your face. Stop meddling in my GOD DAMNED life.

Same goes for this supposed "Green Tax" - I know its stereotypical of me to say, but why should Britain have to be the "forefront for international climate awareness"? (which is just a gay way of saying "Nature's Gimp") what the shit is anyone else doing? China churns out more pollution that a Labour Party conference. Would they do anything about it? Aye, about as likely as the Pope shagging a Leprechaun.

Everyone seems to say they like the environment, that they'd do anything to protect it, but I see right through them. Next time you see one, ask them "Which would you rather, a Toyota Prius, or a Rolls Royce Ghost?" If they say the Prius, they're lying. Humans are bred to live in excess. It makes us feel good, and screw everything else. I'd more than likely shoot a penguin for a Rolls Royce, so why deny it? It has a fridge and everything!

And a DVD player.

And a holder for champagne and glasses.

And air suspension.

Infact, if you rode in a Rolls Royce Ghost, you'd probably feel like a wisp of wind on a leaf. And guess what? It has a V12 engine, which murders your precious environment. Yet, you feel like you're one with it.

The best thing is, its the biggest symbol of excess nowadays. Its a big "Fuck you" to Global Warming, the Recession, Stigma and always being the one following everyone else.

The World according to Rich - Road Works

Roadworks. A necessity? Yes, probably. A pain in the ass? Most definitely. I have scarcely cast my cynical eye upon a thing more infuriating that a row of two hundred million road cones and signs diverting you to Hades and back.

Lets start with the obvious, shall we? I think we all can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we've driven past a set of roadworks, and observed even 50% of the workforce (if the workforce was even present) actually doing something. Most of the time they're sat chatting to each other, stood with their hands on their hips admiring the butchery they had comitted to the road surface, or scooting around in shitty LDV vans with blinking orange lights, pretending they're policemen or someshit.

It is for this precise reason that jobs that SHOULD take 1 or 2 weeks, end up taking up 16. How the hell long does it take to dig a hole, put a pipe in it, and fill it back in? You'd have more efficiency if you had asked a chimp to do it.

Case in point, APEC are doing some works on the main road through Ystalyfera, where I live. They've dug up much of the off-street parking, and installed traffic lights. 'Okay' I thought, probably just laying some pipes. But no. I leave for a week, and come back to find that not only havent they finished the section they had already dug up, someone had pulled a brainwave out of their ass that it'd be a good idea to dig further up the road too! God FORBID people might actually be inconvenienced; lets just dig more of the road up, install traffic lights that change so slowly I drive past them about 25 years older than when I stopped, and just piss off home at half past 2 every day. And to think these people love nothing more than to strike for more pay.


For that matter, why is it, when there are roadworks for a specific area, it's always coned off one or two miles in each direction? What's the point?! Surely having all lanes of traffic open would ease congestion, rather than have cones to tell you that there are cones to tell you there are cones to tell you there are cones to tell you there are men doing nothing. It boggles the mind, readers.

You'll often see these people worki- well, standing around, on Saturdays too. That's not because they want to see the project finished, it's because they get double their hourly wage. So its not really in their interest to see the stuff finished anyway, is it?

So, do everyone a favour when you next drive past some fatass lazy cock in a high-visibility jacket; honk. Honk alot, make them clench tighter than a crash test dummy at Euro NCAP. Infact, bugger it, just veer into the cones and run them over. I hear blood makes tarmac stick rather well.

The World According to Rich - Packaging

Goddamnit, why are things you buy so hard to get at? You buy a DVD or game, and it's packed tighter than a camel's arsehole in a sandstorm. WHY?! If its to stop people opening the case, then just have an empty display one on the shelf. Dont waste a good 5 minutes of my time (and a fair few gnaws) just to get at it.

The worst offenders for this kind of useless bullshit is when you buy anything that isnt a potato from the supermarket. I bought a new razor today, and sure enough, it had one of those packets with absolutely no way of getting in. Not one to be easily deterred, I ate most of the packaging to get to my moisturising bounty - but, when I finally got enough leverage to open the packet, it opened with such force that one of the blade refills hit a stray stuffed cat with such ferocity that it cast most of my bookshelf onto my head.

I didnt take that very well, it must be said.

You'd think that in these economically tight times, you'd expect to find things a bit easier to get at, considering you paid an extra £10,000 for a pack of AA batteries. But no, you waste more time trying to unpack the fucking things that you'd be better off getting a hamster and a wheel attached to a dynamo to power your X-Box controller.

The same can be said for car accessories. I went on a bit of a binge recently and bought some essentials to keep in the boot (i.e. a first aid kit, tow rope, jumper cables) - and found a rather nifty looking toolkit that had pretty much all the critical things in it. Screwdrivers, ratchet, torch, all that jazz. I paid about £15 for it, which isnt as cheap as I had hoped, but I justified it by thinking of how I can effortlessly unscrew a troublesome attachment, or use the ratchet to take the wheels off of someone's bicycle (it's your own fault for wearing lycra you giant plank).

Imagine my dismay then, when I opened the box to find that every tool had its own individual bit of plastic wrapping. I swore so much that Noel and Liam Gallagher would have blushed. Why is it even necessary? Hygiene? How many people do YOU know who'll open a toolbox and go "HURR I'MMA LICK THIS SOCKET WRENCH HAHADERP"? Morons.

You also see this shit when you buy sweets nowadays. One cant enjoy the fruity delight of a Fruit Pastille, because some twat has forgotten to make the packet open without all of the contents exploding in a million different directions. Take a page out of the book of the Revel, and make them re-sealable at least. I dont want to have to seperate a sweet from pocket lint when I'm on the go.

On a side note, dont you hate it when you have a DVD or a game, and pressing down on the centre of the case doesnt make the disk pop up? Instead, you bend it more than a gymnasts fanny and risk snapping the thing before you've even had the chance to enjoy the second series of Miami Vice. I despair, readers.

When I come to power, all this shit will be banned; and anyone found vacuum packaging their products will be shot in the face and shoved up a monkey's asshole.