The World according to Rich - Twilight

Before I vomit, I'd like to dedicate this blogpost to Froggy, who motivated me to put our thoughts down on this page.

Well, why dont we get the obvious out of the way first, huh? I dont like Twilight. Froggy doesnt like Twilight. Anyone with a vague fibre on the rope of sanity doesnt like Twilight. So, why is it so popular?

Well, lets see. Its about vampires. Okay, fine. Vampires are cool. But, sparkling ones? ..What? Forgive me, I may be demonstrating ignorance here, but, arent vampires, historically speaking, supposed to suffer Final Death when exposed to sunlight? No, evidently not, otherwise it'd be awkward to tie in some shitty romance story. Its like Meyer took American Pie and put vampires in it.

Now, as the Frogster said to me, every book has fans, no matter how poorly it may have been written. I picked up the first in the Twilight series and attempted to read the first chapter. I almost vomited. People online could write better than that shit. But more to the point, Twilight fans are a bit like velociraptors of literature. They're about as abrasive as rubbing ones gentleman's area with coarse sandpaper.

The women are the worst. You cant go anywhere on the internet nowadays without some stupid bitch screaming "I WANT A BOYFRIEND LIKE EDWARD!!1!111!!1" - newsflash ladies, he doesnt exist. Neither do vampires. And if you did meet a guy who's pretty much as abusive as he is, then, joke's on you. Enjoy your black eye.

Now, I dont claim to be an expert by any means on vampire mythology, but, I'm not exactly ignorant to it either. I've read the original Dracula, listened to Christopher Lee reading it, read Anne Rice, hell, I've read Goosebumps and watched Van Helsing. All of which at least shared the essential traits of the vampire; sunlight, stakes, garlic, crucifix, bites. But, Twilight just..does away with these. It wouldn't suprise me if you could stab Edward with the Pope's cock and he wouldnt die.

Look. Vampires and vampire fiction have existed for over one hundred years. If you couldnt appreciate the literary works of Stoker, then you have absolutely no right to call yourself a fan of both horror and vampiric fiction. Just piss off back to your dreamworld where everything is roses, nothing wants to kill you, and if you came across a young, attractive young man who just happened to be a monster, he'd defy his predatory nature and fall in love with you. He wont. He'll slaughter you like cattle.


Oh, btw, Edward; sparkling is soooo 80's.

The World according to Rich - Political Correctness

Well, I was hoping to save this lovely kettle of sour fish until my first book (hah!), but what the hell, I feel like having a moan about something that affects everyone.

You cant pick up a newspaper, turn on the television, browse the internet, or have a conversation, without hearing stories about how one group of people pissed off another group of people, and there's a big hoorah about it all, where we're treated to weeks of pussyfooting around in circles to end up at a conclusion that satisfies no-one.

Here's my idea, ignore them. Ignore anyone who bitches and whines when someone talks about them. Its just as much my right to type shit about all these topics, as it is for these people to get offended by it. Its simple; if you dont like what I'm saying, dont read it. Put it out of your mind and get the hell on with your life. It's so rudimentary, I can hardly believe I'm having to type it out.

I remember a few years ago, one of our ministers got into trouble about the whole Muslim Veil issue. Now, it started off as a simple question from him; "Would you mind removing it when you're in a meeting?" but no, the tabloids, and any religious person who wants to make a few quid is up in arms, yelling about how he "DEMANDS VEIL REMOVED" or "INSISTS WOMAN TAKES OFF VEIL" . I applaud the minister (right) for having the balls to stand up to these overreacting, egotistical, megalomaniacal assholes who find every little fucking thing to complain about, hoping that everyone else bends over backwards to accomodate them. Well done, Mr Straw. (Even though you look like the Demon Headmaster. A bit.)


A final thought on these veils, by the way. There was a news story that came out not long after this one, in which a man conducted a test in which he wore a full body veil, and went through an airport. Not one security official asked him to remove it to verify his identity, he just went straight through. What does that say for our national security?! Are we really so terrified of these people that we wont carry out security procedures?

Another place where political correctness truly is going mad, is in the little things. Things you and I grew up with, nursery rhymes, gingerbreadmen, the nativity at primary school. All of these things cant exist anymore because someone, somewhere, has found the time to be offended, or someone has thought "Well we better ban that, just incase". Every day we see new societies forming, that want to change things "just incase" - in the words of the immortal Jeremy Clarkson; "They're not societies, they're just some silly old women in an attic"

"Baa Baa Black Sheep" was one of the nursery rhymes to be axed. Now, I dont know alot of black people, but I expect you'd have a task finding one who'd be offended by that. Its not as if it's saying "Baa Baa Black Man, have you any weed? Yea boi, yea boi, an ounce fo' tree fiddy" is it. The same with Gingerbreadmen. They have to be called "Gingerbreadperson" now. So basically, some stupid old fat woman has found the time between eating these treats, to be offended by them. I'd love to see a baker say a big "Fuck you" to these folks and draw little iced penises on them. Just to see what they'd do.


This political correctness bullshit is even starting to spread to television. One of my favourite programmes, 'Top Gear', is, as you know, hosted by three blokes, who basically drive fast cars, and mess about alot. Usually blowing up caravans along the way. I read that there are calls from feminist groups that a fourth female presenter should be added, to take away the "boys with toys" image of the show.



Fuck. Off. You stupid, nagging, useless, incoherant fucks. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many shows have an all male presenting team. The "boys with toys" image is what makes the show fun. You have "Loose Women", we have "Top Gear". Leave us alone.

Now dont get me wrong, a woman presenter wouldnt hurt the show all that much..IF she knew a damn thing about cars. Sabine Schmitz, for example (cutey that she is) would be an awesome pick, but lets face it. If Top Gear was to gain a new presenter, it'd be some blonde bimbo with huge breasts who would think that "Aston Martin" is the name of the bloke who played Samwise Gamgee in Lord of the Rings.

I could go on about this political correctness gone mad, but, I'd prefer to offer it in bitesize chunks, so you guys dont get bored. Besides, I can put the full flow of my ideas into that book.

Are you listening, Mr Publisher?

The World according to Rich - YouTube

Peter Parker's Uncle once said "With great power, comes great responsibility" - however, in YouTube's case, it's "With great servers comes a complete set of retards"

Dont get me wrong, YouTube is great for listening to music, catching up on your favourite TV shows, and watching video game playthroughs; but with this sugar cube comes a truckload of sour lemons.

The site seems to be infested with people who seem to think anyone wants to watch them for 10 minutes talking about how they put too much starch in with the wash, or that one time they ate a WHOOOLE pie. No-one could give two halves of a popcorn fart. Seriously.

I hear what you're thinking "But, you write a blog, what makes you different?" - one thing. I do this to make people laugh. YouTube bloggers do it because they want people to fawn over them like flies to cowshit. Besides, you could close this window, without becoming enraged. Try watching one of Boxxy's videos. That goddamn woman will be in your mind, pissing you off for at least a week. She's not the only one either.




Meet Pruane2forever.

When you're done staring at what can only be described as a bear trap underneath his nose, let me tell you a bit about our aluminimouth here. He will talk about anything. Seriously, anything. Rap, movies, games, braces (LOL), hell, probably even the aerodynamics of leprechauns. He does this, however, in a voice that if you put it into a supercomputer, the verdict would be "castrated moose". Annoying isnt even the fucking word. Its just nauseating. Try it, see if you notice anything other than the steroid enhanced jaw.

The people aren't the only problem. There are some who are genuinely entertaining, providing a good thing to the people. Darksydephil, TheSageRises, JamesNintendoNerd (otherwise known as the Angry Video Game Nerd) - but, good luck finding them amongst all the videos uploaded with a large pair of breasts as the thumbnail, only to find they lead to a video containing a link to buy Vietnamese women online.

It's the same with comments. How many times have you seen someone post something like "Once this little girl scooped her own eyes out with a rusty spoon, and she died, and if you dont post this on ten other videos, she's going to appear in your room and shove a pineapple up your ass" - the sad thing is, people fall for this shit. It takes up space and is just the most infantile version of internet trolling.


That being said, YouTube has it's merits. If you dont browse 4chan, you wont know Dusty. Dusty's owner placed a video on YouTube containing footage of him throwing Dusty against walls, kicking and punching him.

However, 4chan got wind of this, and hunted the guy down; now Dusty has a new home, and the abuser's life is ruined, just as soon as he gets out of prison.






So, perhaps we should learn to take the bitter with the sweet? Maybe. But lets give the people who warrant attention the views, huh? Not the poop-nuggets who wear eyeliner and talk about bullshit.